I wasn’t sure if I’d participate in this week’s Linked 52. It’s been a really hard week. Grieving Coach Scott with my Team Blaze family has been about all I can handle. As I felt like I was getting my feet under myself again Ken got a kidney stone (we’ve never had one and had no idea what was happening and it was scary!). Ken passed his stone (we’re still trying to decide what to name it) and things were feeling like they were looking up and then Natalie got the stomach flu. All that to say I’ve had a week of experiencing both being mothered and mothering.
Here’s what I know for sure after this week. Mothering is not directly related to biological relation nor is it determined by age. In fact I don’t even think it’s limited by gender. This week I’ve been mourning and my friends, both younger and older, near and far, close and not very close have reached out to me through hugs, phone calls, text messages, prayers, kind-hearted hands resting on my shoulder and hands clasped in mutual love and support. I’ve had offers of help in the form of coffees, carpools for the kids or anything I requested. I can’t name all the ways I’ve been mothered. Most surprisingly I was mothered by Coach Scott’s wife Tristin who despite her own incomprehensible grief logged on to Facebook on Tuesday and scolded us for skipping our workouts. Isn’t that just like a Mother?
I also stepped into the mother role for my friends, for my teammates, for my husband and for my children. I did what was hard and did more than I thought I was able. Because I knew they needed it. My heart is bursting with sadness but at the very core of my heart I also feel the fulfillment of mothering. I was told this week by a kind friend that it wasn’t up to me to bear anyone else’s burden. I know her intentions were good when she said it. I’m sure she meant that Jesus can carry all of our burdens and I didn’t need to make my life harder by being a burden bearer. But I knew in that moment that she was wrong. I knew that in these last few days that carrying the burden, mothering… was the only possible action I could take. I’ve watched 100 people this week mother in various ways. I’ve seen people delay their grieving process in order to help others grieve. I’ve seen many people open their homes to strangers coming to town for the funeral. I’ve seen Scott’s closest friends take lead of his team in helping them grieve and continuing the group workouts that have become such a constant presence in our lives. I’ve seen people take the lead on fundraisers, food collection, team luncheons, funeral planning, memorial events and the list goes on and on.
I’ve also felt the absence of people who I’d thought would be there for me at a time like this. I’ve felt the absence of mothering. I don’t know if those people even know what we’re going through right now. But the absence of mothering is a cruel feeling. It’s only reaffirmed that bearing one another’s burdens is right. That showing up in some form, any form, for people who are in pain is right. I truly feel like the experiences of this week have changed me. I’ve learned how valuable kindness is. I’ve learned that even when a person doesn’t say “the right thing” that there is still value in the fact that they said something. I’ve learned that inaction and silence can be cruel even if they aren’t intended that way. And I also must face the fact that many times in my life I’ve been guilty of silence. I’ve been caught in inaction because I didn’t want to overstep a boundary or perhaps be misunderstood by someone in pain.
To those who have mothered me, thank you. There isn’t a way to tell you what your words and actions have meant to me. I won’t forget it.
To those who haven’t mothered me, I forgive you. I must. Because I must also ask for forgiveness of those I’ve failed to mother in their times of need.
Life is messy and complicated. It’s easy to make mistakes. It’s easy to not realize how much others around us need to be cared for or not to realize that we hold within ourselves the capability to bring comfort. I think that’s been a huge lesson for me this week. Often in my times of not stepping up it was because I didn’t think I had anything to offer. This week has taught me that everyone has something to offer. Some people offer very practical help. Others offer emotional shoulders to cry on. Others offer the acknowledgement of our pain.
This verse has been pinging my heart all week and while I’ve shared it before I think it never gets old, in fact for me it is a richer message than it was even a few months ago:
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Colossians 3:12-14
Photo by Natalie Sidles – Fall 2011
One thing that I discovered this week is Lanie is tuned into our emotional energy in a way I’ve never seen in her before. Throughout the last week she has done quite a few things that have caught me up short in terms of her seemingly deep understanding of our pain. There it is. That knowing that she is in this world to bring healing and comfort rather than to be a perfect dog. Good girl, Lanie-bug.
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Check out my Linked 52 buddies photos for this week’s theme:
Stacey, Jenn, Tracey, Andrea , Heather,
Kristin, Amanda, Jessica
Amanda, Sara, Janet, Lesli, Liza
Carla, Rose, Naomi, Tracy, Heidi, Rhonda
Polar Plunge 2012, Coeur d’ Alene, Idaho 
Stoopid snails.
by Michelle
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